Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Damn victory sex feels great
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
