The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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