My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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