I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
