Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
