so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
