He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i've created a new STD.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
