areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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