Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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