I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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