It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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