dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
