Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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