It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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