I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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