can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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