It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Of course I have a pirate flag
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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