Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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