Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
