My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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