god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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