She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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