If that was your dad, he is hot
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
