i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
