i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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