and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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