The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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