I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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