The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
