we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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