I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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