Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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