i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
