Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
