i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
