If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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