Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
