I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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