Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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