it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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