i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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