The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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