sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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