Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
