I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We're using joints as your birthday candles
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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