And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
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