it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
