i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
