remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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