Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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